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Posts posted by Bas

  1. Hi Brian


    Try Andrew at Award Canvas and Vinyl, 21 High St, Kippa-Ring 0417 700 637.

    We have had Andrew make various things for 3 vans over many years and regard his quality of work highly.

    I was going to say "Barry sent me" but he may charge you double!! Not likely. 

    Highly recommended.

    His last and very recent product was for our XC3, a protective cover for the awning when it is rolled up, for when stored outside.


    Regards, Barry

    • Like 3
  2. Irish Furniture Dealer



    Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris 

    to see what he could find .

    After arriving in Paris , he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.


    As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.


    Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table asked him something in French (which Murphy could n o t understand) so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

    He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass


    and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

    After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

    They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.


    She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

    Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.


    To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business




    • Haha 3
  3.  A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.  A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

    However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

    "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.  The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.  He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his sister.  I was appalled.  But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

    Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

    "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician.  In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."


    Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!



    • Haha 3
  4. A heroine's selfless act?


    • MONDAY           Arrived on board
    • TUESDAY            Sat at the Captain’s table
    • WEDNESDAY     Captain has been very nice to me and has invited me to his cabin
    • THURSDAY         The Captain has made suggestions to me not fitting to a proper lady, and says he will sink the ship if I say no
    • FRIDAY               Do not know what to do, and there are 600 people on board
    • SATURDAY         I have saved 600 lives
    • Like 1
    • Haha 2

    A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said “A penny for your thoughts, Angus?” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss?” The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle?” The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?” “Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg”. The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?” The young man glanced down with a furrowed brow. “Well, noo” he said “my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time”. “Really?” said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation. “Aye” said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request. Then he said “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?”


    • Like 1
    • Haha 4

    A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.   She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a  ranch hand.   Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.   She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday  night.   One o’clock came, however, and he  didn't return. Two o’clock and no hired  hand.   Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the  room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of  wine, waiting for him.   She quietly called him over to her.   "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.   Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."   He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks" He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.   "Now take off my skirt."   He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.   "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired." (P.S.  - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)




    • Like 1
    • Haha 4
  7. I also used a heat gun but did not get the decals or the metal too hot, and found that once you could get a "peel" started by continually warming in front of the "peel" they came off quite easily.

    The replacements came from Kedron.

    Overall, it is a character building exercise.

    • Like 2
  8. Aging Quotes:

    "If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe

    "Nice to be here? At my age it’s nice to be anywhere." – George Burns

    "I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." - Phyllis Diller

    "The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
    "Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
    "Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
    "Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
    "First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." - Leo Rosenberg
    “You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
    “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben
    "At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
    “It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
    "The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
    "At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." - Ann Landers
    "When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labelled senile." – GB
    "The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
    "We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
    “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
    “The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
    "I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
    "Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagnerf
    "Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie


    And just to finish

    Things to Think About (don’t let them keep you awake all night

    - If a poison’s “use by “date expires, is it less poisonous or more poisonous?

    - Which letter is silent in the word "Scent,” the S or the C?

    - Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

    - Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you, and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

    - Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

    - The word "swims" upside-down is still “swims”

    - 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

    - If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them




    • Haha 3

    The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places, the seals are finding the water too hot according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from the Consulate at Bergen, Norway.

    Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard of temperatures in the Arctic zone.

    Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.

    Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm.

    Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and

    stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared.

     Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic,

    while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before

    ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.


    Within a few years, it is predicted that due to the ice melt

    the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.


    We must apologize.

    We neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post 99 years ago.

    This must have been caused by the Model  T Ford's emissions or possibly from horse and cattle flatulence.


    • Like 2

  10.   Cop comebacks

      1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

      2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

      3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." 

      4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

      5. "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." 

    6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

    7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

      8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

      9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

      10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

      11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

      12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

       13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

      14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

      15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."


      16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."



    • Haha 2
  11. Hi Chris

    There were a lot of politically oriented jokes circulating as the election was the flavour of the the 6 weeks, and many seemed to have a particular focus or bias.

    Since early December last only 3 political jokes have been posted.

    If and when I post in future, I will endeavour to not select jokes with topics that some may find offensive, and that might be difficult task.


    • Like 1

    Our hopeful future PM, Albo walked into a bank to cash a cheque

    When he’s called over to the teller, he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

    The teller replied, "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

    Albo said, "Truthfully, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I’m the leader of the Labor Party of Australia."

    The teller said, "Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

    Albo said, “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they’ll tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

    The teller said, "I’m sorry, Mr Albanese, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them"

    Getting a bit agitated, Albo snapped, “C'mon woman, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque.."

    The teller said, "Look Mr Albanese, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

    "Another time, Patrick Rafter came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Albanese, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"

    Albo stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there’s nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue."

    With a big smile, the teller said, "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Albanese?


    • Like 1
    • Haha 1



    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... 

     The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.  When she asked  me why, I replied, 

     "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" 

             And that's how the fight started...



    My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. 

    I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 

    'No,' she answered. I then said, 

    'Is that your final answer?' 

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes', 

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 

               And that's when the fight started...



     My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.  

    I asked her, "Do you know him?" 

    "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." 

     "My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" 

                      And then the fight started... 


     When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it  fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. 

     When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 

    I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." 

     The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. 

    She asked, "What's on TV?" 

    I said, "Dust." 

               And then the fight started...


    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. 

     I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." 

    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my  stupid husband is out fishing in that?" 

              And that's how the fight started....



    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. 

     She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. 

     I bought her a bathroom scale. 

               And then the fight started...



     After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. 

     I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. 

     The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. 

     She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. 

     When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. 

     She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' 

               And then the fight started..



    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, 

    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' 

    I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." 

               And then the fight started...


     I rear-ended a car this morning… the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! 

     He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' 

    So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' 

              That's how the fight started.


    • Haha 4
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