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Bas

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Everything posted by Bas

  1. Romantic Australians! You can't get more romantic than this! Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed." The clerk winked, ‘Do you want the 'Bridal'?' The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
  2. Hi Matt and Tony 300s are being delivered albeit slowly, and we hope to get ours - a GLX - sometime this decade! But possibly February. I have had a short drive of a VX and a GXL but only a few ks. The higher the spec in the 300s you go the less load capacity, which is why, apart from $$$$s, we chose the GXL, although the GX beats it by about 85kg. Matt, Glen from Kedron made a U Tube or suchlike of a test he was involved in courtesy of Toyota. I rang and spoke to Glen and he was very impressed with the way it performed with one of their vans hooked up to it. Google Toyota Landcruiser 300 goes outback caravanning. Kedron now has a 300. Dealers are forbidden to discount however, but there could be a few exceptions. A word of warning: if you are to have any accessories fitted, do that post sale because if included in the purchase price you pay luxury tax on them. Cheers, Barry
  3. I am not sure I like being reminded about being old ……. Lovemaking Tips For Seniors 1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed. 2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle. 3. Set the mood with lighting.(Turn them ALL OFF!) 4. Make sure you put 000 on your speed dial before you begin. 5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember. 6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed. 7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act. 8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf, too. 9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!! 10. Don't even think about trying it twice. 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 'OLD' IS WHEN... 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today. 'OLD' IS WHEN.... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom. 'OLD' IS WHEN.... You're not sure if these are facts or jokes. (I sent this in large type so you can read it)
  4. A LITTLE-KNOWN FACT IS THAT WHILE JEWS MAKE UP ABOUT 2% OF THE U.S. POPULATION, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN THEY MADE UP 50% OF THE FAMOUS COMEDIANS. Danny Kaye, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Woody Allen, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Benny, Mansel Rubenstein and so many others. There was not one single swear word in their comedy. JUST A FEW EXAMPLES: * I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. * I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me! * What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!" * Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. * We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. * My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. * My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. * She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. * The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. * The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!". * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I am 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" * Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer it!" * A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." * Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. * The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. *There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak. "The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody." Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised? A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
  5. Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment. Furious film fan and part-time plus-size XXXL model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the 'Ink It Good' Tattoo Emporium in Wellgate, Yorkshire last week, to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story. "It was a big job in more ways than one", he told us "I'd just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It's delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire." Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework. "To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realize she was wearing one. You'd need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the wiser." Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame. "I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don't know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind would be more appropriate. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that. It's dangerous." But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant. "I'm still in agony," she said, "and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn't have had a fag on the go when he's doing close up work, there's no way I'd guff on purpose. He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning, and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get chance – it just quietly crept out." Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn't surprised when we asked him to comment on what had happened. "People just don't appreciate the dangers," he told us. "We get more call outs to flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now that people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan 'Flame 'n fart – keep 'em apart'. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in the future. On behalf of the entire Fire and Rescue service, we wish them both a swift recovery." You couldn't make this up if you tried!
  6. An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable. His wife says: “Why don't you put an ad in the paper?” The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy" he replies. ______________________________ __
  7. Three elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench minding their own business when they heard a rustle coming from the bushes. Suddenly, a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady yelled in shock and had a stroke. The second lady yelled in shock and had a stroke. The third lady’s arm was too short to reach.
  8. On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The gift certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine, you take only a teaspoon, and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took of his clothes and said "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and started throwing off her clothes, and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, or we could end up with a dangling participle!
  9. Think you can have the job! Better than mine.
  10. Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market? ” The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic? ” The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market. ” "What's your name? " asked the executive. John H. Smith was the reply. The CEO arrives at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account. ” The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience. ” At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. " We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.” Mr. Smith began his story. "I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."
  11. PADDY'S OYSTERS A hard-working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland: Daily, Paddy would pole a heavy old punt out to sea, then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits; he always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on his faulty heart. One day he failed to come home; his wife soon contacted the Police to investigate as to why paddy was missing. The Police rowed out and sadly found Paddy dead in the punt; beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he had tried to hoist aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' said: OYSTERS KILPATRICK!
  12. Run your brain around this one! We've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time we've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you! 7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15! PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15. To my "selected" strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends with "yes" in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting! If you can read this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too. Can you raed this? Olny 55 people out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it. FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT!
  13. You worry about Liberal versus Labor, Green, etc. Well, relax. Here is the real problem. . In a university tutorial, the qualifications needed to be Prime Minister were being discussed. It was pretty simple, in that the candidate has to be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. . However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming Prime Minister. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but all of their jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating: "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by Caesarean Section?" . ( These are the same sorts of people who are eligible to vote in our elections! They breed, go to Uni. and walk among us! )
  14. Hi Tony aka silly old fart, Was the solution to buy a plumbing fitting cap, which snugly fits on? Obviously you are up and running, or at least the vehicle is, again. And you now know Alice Springs like you never intended. Cheers, Bas
  15. COVID Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money. 😄 • Never thought my hands would one day consume more alcohol than my liver... ever!😝 • Lock down seems like a Netflix series: just when you think it's over, they release the next season.🤩 • I’m starting to like this mask thing. I went to the supermarket yesterday and two people that I don’t like didn’t recognise me. 🤪 • Those complaining that we didn’t have enough holidays, what now? 😍 • I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight! 😋 • I’m not planning on adding 2020 to my age. I didn’t even use it! I don't know about 2021. Does it exist?😁 • We want to publicly apologise to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it. 😃 • To all the ladies who were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them — how are you doing? 🤣 • My washing machine only accepts pyjamas these days. I put in a pair of jeans and a message popped up : “Stay Home" 😂 2019: Avoid negative people 2020: Avoid positive people 2021: Avoid people because you don’t know if they are positive or negative I stole this, by all means do the same, make someone else laugh. 😷 Have a great day 😊
  16. FITNESS • The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54. • The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57. • The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41. • The best footballer in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60. • James Fuller Fixx, credited with helping start America's fitness revolution by popularizing the sport of running, died of a heart attack while jogging at age 52. BUT ... • The KFC inventor died at 94. • The inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88. • Cigarette maker Charles Winston died at the age of 102. • The inventor of opium died at the age of 116, in an earthquake. • And, the Hennessey Liquor inventor died at 98. How did smart people come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life? The rabbit is always jumping up and down, but it lives for only two years, and the turtle, that doesn't exercise at all, lives 400 years. Get some rest, chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life!
  17. Who doesn't love little Johnny During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude & impolite.' What about you Sherman, 'How would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once & show us your good manners?' Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted.
  18. Hi Chris, did the attachment fall off? Bas
  19. MATHEMATICS This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years’ experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =98% And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =103% And, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 =118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard-work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why Politicians are where they are!
  20. Murphy in the shadows Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows. 'Thirty euros,' she whispers. Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the Garda. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop. 'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!'
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