Bas

Three elderly ladies were sitting on a park bench minding their own business when they heard a rustle coming from the bushes. Suddenly, a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady yelled in shock and had a stroke. The second lady yelled in shock and had a stroke. The third lady’s arm was too short to reach.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The gift certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his gift certificate to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine, you take only a teaspoon, and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4," he responded, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." He was very eager to see if it worked, so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took of his clothes and said "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and started throwing off her clothes, and then she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, or we could end up with a dangling participle!

Think you can have the job! Better than mine.

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoeshine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market? ” The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic? ” The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market. ” "What's your name? " asked the executive. John H. Smith was the reply. The CEO arrives at the bank and asked the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account. ” The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience. ” At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members. " We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.” Mr. Smith began his story. "I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a hooker in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."

PADDY'S OYSTERS A hard-working Irishman at a coastal village in Ireland: Daily, Paddy would pole a heavy old punt out to sea, then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits; he always arrived home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on his faulty heart. One day he failed to come home; his wife soon contacted the Police to investigate as to why paddy was missing. The Police rowed out and sadly found Paddy dead in the punt; beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he had tried to hoist aboard. Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' said: OYSTERS KILPATRICK!

Run your brain around this one! We've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the first time we've seen it with numbers. Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind. And better than that: Alzheimer's is a long long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you! 7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5! 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15! PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15. To my "selected" strange-minded friends: If you can read the following paragraph, forward it on to your friends with "yes" in the subject line. Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting! If you can read this, you have a sgtrane mnid, too. Can you raed this? Olny 55 people out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it. FORWARD ONLY IF YOU CAN READ IT!

You worry about Liberal versus Labor, Green, etc. Well, relax. Here is the real problem. . In a university tutorial, the qualifications needed to be Prime Minister were being discussed. It was pretty simple, in that the candidate has to be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. . However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming Prime Minister. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but all of their jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating: "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by Caesarean Section?" . ( These are the same sorts of people who are eligible to vote in our elections! They breed, go to Uni. and walk among us! )

Hi Tony aka silly old fart, Was the solution to buy a plumbing fitting cap, which snugly fits on? Obviously you are up and running, or at least the vehicle is, again. And you now know Alice Springs like you never intended. Cheers, Bas

COVID Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money. 😄 • Never thought my hands would one day consume more alcohol than my liver... ever!😝 • Lock down seems like a Netflix series: just when you think it's over, they release the next season.🤩 • I’m starting to like this mask thing. I went to the supermarket yesterday and two people that I don’t like didn’t recognise me. 🤪 • Those complaining that we didn’t have enough holidays, what now? 😍 • I need to social distance myself from my fridge; I tested positive for excess weight! 😋 • I’m not planning on adding 2020 to my age. I didn’t even use it! I don't know about 2021. Does it exist?😁 • We want to publicly apologise to the year 2019 for all the bad things we said about it. 😃 • To all the ladies who were praying for their husbands to spend more time with them — how are you doing? 🤣 • My washing machine only accepts pyjamas these days. I put in a pair of jeans and a message popped up : “Stay Home" 😂 2019: Avoid negative people 2020: Avoid positive people 2021: Avoid people because you don’t know if they are positive or negative I stole this, by all means do the same, make someone else laugh. 😷 Have a great day 😊

FITNESS • The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54. • The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57. • The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41. • The best footballer in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60. • James Fuller Fixx, credited with helping start America's fitness revolution by popularizing the sport of running, died of a heart attack while jogging at age 52. BUT ... • The KFC inventor died at 94. • The inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88. • Cigarette maker Charles Winston died at the age of 102. • The inventor of opium died at the age of 116, in an earthquake. • And, the Hennessey Liquor inventor died at 98. How did smart people come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life? The rabbit is always jumping up and down, but it lives for only two years, and the turtle, that doesn't exercise at all, lives 400 years. Get some rest, chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life!

Who doesn't love little Johnny During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?' Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude & impolite.' What about you Sherman, 'How would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once & show us your good manners?' Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.' The teacher fainted.

A great read, as always.

Hi Chris, did the attachment fall off? Bas