Bas

Good one thanks Tony.

Cop comebacks 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through." 2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while." 3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." 4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." 5. "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." 6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?" 8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." 9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" 10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop." 11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." 12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center ) 13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?" 14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can." 15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS.... 16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Hi Chris There were a lot of politically oriented jokes circulating as the election was the flavour of the the 6 weeks, and many seemed to have a particular focus or bias. Since early December last only 3 political jokes have been posted. If and when I post in future, I will endeavour to not select jokes with topics that some may find offensive, and that might be difficult task. Barry

friday funny.MP4 friday funny.MP4 friday funny.MP4

Our hopeful future PM, Albo walked into a bank to cash a cheque When he’s called over to the teller, he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?" The teller replied, "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?" Albo said, "Truthfully, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I’m the leader of the Labor Party of Australia." The teller said, "Yes sir, I know who you are... but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors, forgers, and requirements of the legislation etc., I must insist on seeing ID." Albo said, “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they’ll tell you. Everybody knows who I am." The teller said, "I’m sorry, Mr Albanese, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them" Getting a bit agitated, Albo snapped, “C'mon woman, I’m urging you, please, to cash this cheque.." The teller said, "Look Mr Albanese, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. "Another time, Patrick Rafter came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr Albanese, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?" Albo stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank... there’s nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do... and I don't have a clue." With a big smile, the teller said, "Will that be large or small notes, Mr Albanese?

Hi Tony Thanks for sending this. Ours is not in the VIN range and we have not heard from Toyota. Bas

HOW TO START A FIGHT One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes', So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started.... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started.. ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." And then the fight started... ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning… the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic: Cost – $29.99 Clinton : Cost – $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton : Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton : Ditto for Bill Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined. Clinton : Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton : Let’s not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery. Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember anything. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of Seamen. Clinton : Monica.. Oh, let’s not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary – basically the same thing

“Lemon Pickers Needed" - ad in the Gayndah Times newspaper. Ms. Sally Mulligan of Launceston, Tasmania, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Tasmanians are not willing to do. She submitted her application for a job as a Lemon Fruit picker but seemed far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Tasmania (Sandy Bay) , and a master's degree from Monash University (Melbourne). For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher. The farm owner studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said... "I've been divorced three times, owned two Holdens, voted twice for Annastacia Palaszczuk, and once for Anthony Albanese." She started work yesterday.

Hi Tony and Happy Traveller Have now had our GLX for 3 weeks and now sitting in the van at Evans Head, after a few days at Port Macquarie for our previously thrice cancelled Apex Club of Pennant Hills reunion. After the 100 series there is a lot of technology to come to grips with in the 300 but it's all good and you can turn off things you don't want or like. We put the 300 and van over the weighbridge before we left Brissy and revealed we have 300 kgs up our sleeve on GCM, majority of that vehicle related. Using WDH the vehicle and van maintain a level stance so no need for bags or heavier springs. It cruises very easily at the speed limit and at 110 kmh is turning at 1500 rpm. And the gearbox is seamless so hard to know at times which of its 10 gears it's in. Fuel consumption is 16 l/100 ks. Happy Traveller, I have four 18" 300 series alloys with Grandtreks which have done all of 150 kms so let me know if you are interested in replacing the 17" the GL is fitted with. It's a very positive thumbs up for the 300 so far. Cheers, Bas

Thanks Karen, the pics came up by themselves without links when I posted but ain't technology a wondrous thing!? Bas